Sports Briefs: Escape from the Basement Clause

Chris: While decorating my fingers with newspaper ink last Sunday, I discovered that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays were in first place. I normally would have had to sit down upon reading such news, but fortunately, I was, since I was doing my reading in the bathroom.

Joe: So, you're telling me that not only are the Devil Rays no longer the Devil Rays because of a horrible tragedy with some yahoo adventurer from Down Under, but they are in first place? I am indeed losing my mind.

Chris: And actually, half of their name is gone, too. Tampa dropped the "Bay," and they dropped half of their mascot. To quote the great Rod Serling, "What do we call him? He's got a lot of names. Beelzebub? Mr. Scratch?" Yes, Tampa dropped the Devil.

Brad: I blame the televangelicals, those preachers on TV who are always defining "Christianity" themselves. *Heaven* forbid there be a MLB team with the word "devil" in it . . . I blame them--or maybe the Pope. Yes, maybe it was the Pope who had his orders.

Ralphie: I think it's cool. I really like it.

Joe: Devil rays are dangerous. Go play with a Leprechaun instead.

Brad: To me a "ray" is a 1D figure on the Eucladian plane. It has one endpoint and extends forever in one direction. And if you ask me, that direction for Tampa Bay is all the way down down down . . .

Joe: I'm not a fan of Triple-A baseball, so I haven't kept up to date with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays' uniform choices this season. Or, any season. Do they wear orange uniforms like the second-rate football team in that second-rate town used to wear? I actually liked those awful uniforms. And just why are we discussing team uniforms again? Is my senility kicking in and I forgot that I'm writing for "Cosmopolitan"? I never thought they'd let me back after my incident with Farrah Fawcett and the subsequent trial.

Ralphie: I bet you remember the original uniforms from your childhood huh? But I like their logo . . . I think Buccaneers arrrrre great . . . haha.