Nerf Herder

(This is a solo column from Chris the adult of the Gab Four. Visit their official Web site at www.MyBriefs.com.)

My parents could always tell when I was playing basketball. My bedroom door would be closed, but they could stand reasonably close (within two counties) and hear me running, followed by silence, followed by what sounded like me throwing a bowling ball against a closet door.

In reality, I was throwing myself against my folding closet doors, as I had just performed an amazing, 360-degree dunk, where I jumped from the free throw line wearing a blindfold, handcuffs and a pair of blue clogs. Mom would always rush into the room, nonchalantly ignoring my aerial abilities, Cedric Ceballos-like creativity and choice in shoes, intent on seeing if I had broken anything. And by "anything" I am referring to the closet doors, not my bones.

Casualties were always minimal, though, because I was playing with Nerf.

Everybody has had a Nerf ball at one time in their lives. They do taste horrible, and that is why most people choose to play with them instead. And, actually, not everyone has even played with a Nerf ball, seeing as how Nerf didn't began making balls until 1970. I find it hard to believe that Socrates ever went strong to the hole with a Nerf ball.

Nerf balls were marketed as the "world's first official indoor ball," according to Nerf's official Web site, www.hasbro.com. This obviously meant it was safe to play basketball inside, so as soon as my parents had saved up enough money, I took them to Ben Franklin buy me a Nerfoop and ball.

The flexible basketball hoop hung on my closet door and was unlike any of the previous hoops I had. You know the ones with the suction cups? Unless your doors or walls are made out of tar, the suction cups stayed fixed on the door approximately as long as an anvil would. To counter, I frequently designed homemade, poster board backboards, which I taped the suction cups to and then taped the backboard to my door.

This made for many good times of indoor basketball, which lasted up until the point when I started watching the NBA. Turns out, those fellows dunk, and therefore, I wanted to dunk, too.