Top Ten New Years Resolutions for Tom, the Face of MySpace

This new member of one-name fame has become a pop culture icon, much like fellow one-name famers: Madonna, Cher, Usher, Bono and Shakira. Soon, Tom will become an answer on Jeopardy and Trivial Pursuit.

MySpacers either love or hate him. All technical problems are easily blamed on Tom as he is the only human known to work for MySpace. Tom has more friends than anyone else on the planet, no wonder he has become a household name.

In the spirit of joyfulness surrounding the New Years holiday, I affectionately submit these jesting New Years resolution suggestions for Tom, the face of MySpace.

1. I, Tom, the face of MySpace, resolve to comment all one-hundred-thirty million of my friends by the end of the year. To accomplish this feat, I, Tom, need to comment an average of three-hundred-fifty thousand friends a day. Because this will involve commenting two-hundred-forty friends a minute, I will use this as my excuse for all unresolved technical issues.

2. I, Tom, the face of MySpace, resolve to never wear white T-shirts again. I, Tom, will consult with one of my fashion forward MySpace friends in order to avoid finding myself on the Learning Channel show What Not to Wear.

3. I, Tom, the face of MySpace, resolve to delete all fake celebrities, including all two-thousand Paris Hilton profiles. People who have too much time on their hands will continue to be able to create food and object profiles to their heart’s delight.

4. I, Tom, the face of MySpace, resolve to personally answer all my messages. I, Tom, fear I may lose most of my friends because I have read the thousands of warnings my friends have sent out about not being a true MySpace friend.

5. I, Tom, the face of MySpace, resolve to begin charging all members who post bulletins claiming that MySpace is going to start charging for its free services.

6. I, Tom, the face of MySpace, resolve to delete all members who post bulletins claiming that I, Tom, am angry and have begun deleting profiles in my rage.

7. I, Tom, the face of MySpace, resolve to post a video of myself singing karaoke. I listed karaoke as one of my interests, yet people still refuse to believe I have fun.