How to Ruin Your First Date

One of the great American pastimes is the date. It's important to make a good impression when you go out on a date. Dress appropriately for the occasion. Buy your date flowers. Be generous and kind. Unfortunately, not all first dates go well. Here is a list of things that will absolutely bring your date to an unhappy ending:

1. You drive your car up to your date's house at 90 miles per hour.

2. You ring the bell a hundred times until your date answers the door.

3. You give your date a high five that knocks her off her feet.

4. Your car smells like a bar. Your breath smells like a bar. You've just been at a bar before picking up your date.

5. You tell your date that her breasts look so artificial. You then tell your date that you would like to implant a kiss on them.

6. You take your date to the swankiest restaurant in town. You ask your date if she doesn't mind going Dutch.

7. You sit down in the restaurant right next to your date and begin to pick at your teeth.

8. You pour your date a glass of wine. You act like you are super cool until you realize that you have accidentally poured some of the wine on your date's dress.

9. You order for yourself a sirloin steak with fresh cooked vegetables and a baked potato. You order for your date a small house salad and chicken fingers.

10. You start talking to your date while there is still food in your mouth. You continue to do this for twenty minutes.

11. You tell your date that she is as pretty as your ex girlfriend. You ask your date if she would like to see a picture of your ex girlfriend that you happen to have in your wallet.

12. You start singing at the dinner table. You take two spoons and start beating them together.

13. You ask your date to pay for her meal as well as the tip.

14. You drive your date back to her home going 90 miles per hour. Unfortunately, you accidentally hit a skunk along the way.

15. Your date is completely frazzled. She has wine on her dress. She's still hungry. She smells like a bar and a skunk.

16. Your date tells you to never come back again. You try to kiss her, but she hits you with her purse instead.

17. Your date slams the front door real hard. She yells through the window for you to go away.