10 Suggested New Year's Resolutions for Donald H. Rumsfeld

1. Find a new job.

Considering the last election and subsequent—and, let’s not forget, third—attempt at resignation, it’s time that the 74-year-old Rummy consider either a) a long over-due retirement back in Skokie, or b) try running another pharmaceutical company.

2. Send Powell an apology note every day for the rest of the year.

These don’t have to be long letters. They should just be little consolations. Maybe, after the four years of Rummy whispering one thing into the President’s ear and Colin on the other side, the two men can come to retirement together amicably. Just the same, Secretary Rumsfeld wasn’t forced to go to the UN and make an international joke of his entire career. General Powell was.

3. Erase all traces of his name from the PNAC:

The Rumsfeld-spearedheaded Project for a New American Century (or, as many of us have come to call it since published, Fascism-lite) is no way to be remembered and, to be on the safe side, there’s no telling whether or not the next government will look at the proposal as all-out lunacy. It’s best for him to hedge his bets while he has the chance. And if he doesn’t have the chance, at least he can apologize for the committee’s existence.

4. Have Cheney write a letter of recommendation.

This, of course, is in the case that Mr. Rumsfeld decides on option b) rather than option a) from the first resolution. After all, where would PNAC be without two of its fathers? This political family has to stay together at least until Cheney has that massive heart attack he’s been threatening for the last six years. Who other than Rummy could possibly be a good executor of all of the Halliburton shares?

5. Find a way to pay off the World Court: