Adoption Etiquette Primer

Welcoming a new child into a family is a cause for joy. While most people are aware of the etiquette when friends and family give birth to a child, many are unclear on what is and isn't appropriate when the new child is adopted.

While you may be curious about the adoption process, remember that there is a time and a place for such queries and not all of them are acceptable.For example, do not inquire as to why the child was made available for adoption and do not ask how much the process cost. If your inquiries stem from considering adoption yourself, make that known, as it may make some borderline questions more acceptable and help the family understand that you are not merely being intrusive. That said, do remember that decisions the family has made about the child's future relationship with its birth family are not any of your business.

Do not make assumptions about the child's health or the background of his or her biological family. This is especially true in cases where an older child who has at least some awareness of the circumstances of the adoption is involved. Regardless of the child's age, it is deeply offensive to suggest that a child who has been adopted is somehow defective. As with many inappropriate queries and comments surrounding adoption, these sorts of remarks aren't just rude but are also an invasion of the family's privacy.

Similarly, do not make assumptions about why a family has chosen to adopt, or, if the circumstances are known to you, do not make statements that imply that the child who has been adopted is somehow not fully a member of the family.

While it should be obvious, the following sorts of statements - which are rude, judgmental and imply a lack of love for the child who has been adopted - are always inappropriate:

"How sad you can't have children of your own."

"I could never love someone else's child like it was my own."

"Is it strange to you that he used to live somewhere else?"

"What will you do if you wind up having your own baby?"