10 New Year's Resolution Suggestions for Donald Rumsfeld

It's been a tough year for the primary architect of the-what exactly do you call it when Americans are getting killed in a foreign country in which the mission was announced as accomplished, the end of hostilities were announced, and there is no actual army against whom they are fighting? Well, whatever you call what the situation in Iraq technically is, there is no denying it's been a tough year for the guy who bears the most responsibility for how it's going. Donald Rumsfeld must feel like one of those New York Yankee managers from the old days, when George Steinbrenner would stand behind them on Monday and pat them on the back and give them the ol' "Billy or Bob or Gene or Dick or Billy or Yogi or Billy is our manager for at least the rest of the season" only to find themselves fired by Wednesday. One week Pres. Bush is slapping Rumsfeld on the back and telling Rummy he's his man in Iraq-figuratively, of course, since Rumsfeld is very much in keeping with the Bush White House tradition of never actually placing their own ass on the line in defense of their beliefs-and the next minute Bush is giving him the old heave-ho.

Yes, 2007 should prove to be a landmark year for Donald Rumsfeld. For the first time in this millennium he won't be called upon to use his extensive battlefield experience in crafting a strategy to deal with his brilliant tactical invasion of a country that posed all the military threat to the United State of…oh…Canada. No doubt Rumsfeld will be taking the next few weeks to reflect on his five and a half years as the single worst Secretary of Defense in the history of the United States as he ponders what to do next. And so I am hereby taking it upon myself to suggest the following New Year's resolutions for Donald Rumsfeld.

Resolution number 10: Learn Arabic.
This is a terrific resolution for Rumsfeld to make. Let's face it, Rumsfeld is rich enough to afford a whole cadre of bodyguards. But even bodyguards can be paid off or taken out. Rummy should probably learn how to speak the language of his potential kidnappers since, well, it is the policy of the US not to negotiate with hostage takers.