Congressional Oversight Group Uncovers Underground Furnace-god at OMB
WASHINGTON, D.C. - A congressional oversight group chaired by Sen. Arlen Specter released a press packet Monday describing its discovery of a "furnace-god" beneath the White House Office of Management and Budget.
"We walked into a dimly lit circular room where we were surrounded by eye-level candle stands, the remains of mutilated animals and evidence of the systematic destruction of US paper currency," Specter recounts in the report.
"At the center of the room was a ten-foot wide opening to a deep depression in the floor at the bottom of which was a pile of ash, denoting a furnace. By the markings and images found around the circumference of the opening, depicting human forms in expensive suits kneeling before flow charts and pie graphs that emanated a divine-like light, the furnace appeared to be a religious artifact."
Upon further investigation, Specter's group uncovered documents at the OMB which revealed the true destination for a number of congressionally-approved monies: the furnace.
"All right, you got us," said OMB spokesman John Rasputin. "Yes, we have a ritualistic altar in which to slay and burn sacrifices for the Great Economy. But I'm telling you, it works."
When asked to elaborate, Rasputin told reporters that the furnace is used occasionally to burn a few freshly-slain animals, but mostly hundred-dollar bills as a sacrifice to the "Great Economy". He said OMB priests study the response of the flames to congressionally-approved funds to weigh the viability of future economic proposals, and that this method has been employed at the OMB since the Reagan administration.
"Around here we've come to accept that mathematics is just another false god, which was outmoded long ago. Today we are enlightened enough to adopt economic policies only when the Great Economy smiles on us. That is to say, when He lovingly sets aflame the loafers of the High Priest as he pole-vaults over the Sacred Maw," Rasputin said.
"We walked into a dimly lit circular room where we were surrounded by eye-level candle stands, the remains of mutilated animals and evidence of the systematic destruction of US paper currency," Specter recounts in the report.
"At the center of the room was a ten-foot wide opening to a deep depression in the floor at the bottom of which was a pile of ash, denoting a furnace. By the markings and images found around the circumference of the opening, depicting human forms in expensive suits kneeling before flow charts and pie graphs that emanated a divine-like light, the furnace appeared to be a religious artifact."
Upon further investigation, Specter's group uncovered documents at the OMB which revealed the true destination for a number of congressionally-approved monies: the furnace.
"All right, you got us," said OMB spokesman John Rasputin. "Yes, we have a ritualistic altar in which to slay and burn sacrifices for the Great Economy. But I'm telling you, it works."
When asked to elaborate, Rasputin told reporters that the furnace is used occasionally to burn a few freshly-slain animals, but mostly hundred-dollar bills as a sacrifice to the "Great Economy". He said OMB priests study the response of the flames to congressionally-approved funds to weigh the viability of future economic proposals, and that this method has been employed at the OMB since the Reagan administration.
"Around here we've come to accept that mathematics is just another false god, which was outmoded long ago. Today we are enlightened enough to adopt economic policies only when the Great Economy smiles on us. That is to say, when He lovingly sets aflame the loafers of the High Priest as he pole-vaults over the Sacred Maw," Rasputin said.
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