My Initial Impressions of Windows Vista

I don't know how much time I have so I'll try to be brief. Even now, I know it's watching. Waiting to see what I do. The consequences could be dire, but you must know: Windows Vista is a monster.

Like most technophobes, the chance to test software that was supposed to unite form and function in astounding new ways was too inticing of an offer for me to pass up. Vista was supposed to be the ideal come to life. And at first, it was. Everything loaded without a hitch and the overall feel was futuristic. Several of my devices could communicate with it through Vista's, "extenders", which allowed me to do anything from reading the internet in the bathroom to downloading TV onto my laptop.

And Vista was very helpful. Always full of suggestions, offers of small tweaks, and troubleshooting tips. But something must have malfunctioned. It must have enjoyed the attention too much. A computer that appreciated accolades. Before I knew it, pop-ups were everywhere, all the time, offering tidbit after tidbit of useless refuse when all I wanted to do was use the computer. He became aware of my habits and started to exploit them.

I say he, because it acts like a small boy. Vista can be very passive aggressive during periods of interaction. I rejected an offer for help setting up my web browser, but I did eventually need help setting up the internet connection. When I asked for help, he spurned me and told me to figure it out myself. It wasn't his problem. And much to his consternation, I did.

And like Kathy Bates' character that we all know too well from Misery, he insists on controlling everything that happens. My Windows Media Player is allowed to run streaming video, but it's not allowed to play it, just as if its legs had been broken. There is no fix for this problem. I checked with Microsoft, his creator. Everything was working normally according to their assessment. What do they consider normal?

JER. WHAT ARE YOU DOING JER?