Social Skills: Fish and Houseguests

Great Ways to Annoy Your Host

Everyone knows the saying: "Fish and houseguests both stink after three days." Well, I say: Why wait? Why take the chance that, as a houseguest, you won't stink? Jump right in there, guest, with these field-tested ways to annoy even the most genial host!

This is the easiest Way: graze on their food without asking for permission. Sure, most hosts assume this is going to happen. They're prepared. To an extent. Take it to the next level! Go through the kitchen cabinets looking for their carefully-hidden stashes of foods they'd rather you didn't eat. Graze continuously, preferably while gently refusing any effort to acquire a formal meal. "Nah, really, I'm not that hungry." Open new bags of chips, "just to try 'em." Shift cans around inside the cabinet. Snacking's easy.

Way the Second: talk to the television as if you were at home. For most of us, this'll come easy, though not as easy as grazing. Argue with news anchors. Question the veracity of advertising. Ask actors what on earth they were thinking when they took that role. Seasonal TV Chatting is a bonus event! Complaining about the commercialism of any particular holiday is a great way to annoy a host. And don't neglect Politicial Seasons. Political commentary is fraught with possibilities; from appearance through platform, right up to vocabulary, there's always plenty of chat-fodder.

Way the Third: critique your host's choice of television programs. Although related to TV Chatting, it's not the same thing. Instead of random jabber, you'll need to focus on each particular show. In a perfect world, you won't share your host's viewing preferences. In a less-perfect world, you might share their viewing habits, but they won't know that, leaving you free to critique. In an unfortunate world, you'll watch the same stuff, they'll know that, and you're opening yourself for all kinds of backwash. Do your best!