Exclusive Interview with Pres. Bush: "If I Had Lied About Iraq, Here's How I Would Have Done It"

This is a fictitious work. The interview never occurred. None of the following remarks were made by Pres. Bush.

In what came as perhaps the biggest shock of my life, I was contacted by the office of the President of the United States a few weeks ago. Naturally, in light of my outspoken criticism of George W. Bush and the large number of articles published at Associated Content and elsewhere that have asked tough questions about his policies and statements, my first reaction was that the Patriot Act gestapos were gunning for me. Imagine my surprise when it was revealed that Pres. Bush actually wanted to schedule a very special interview with me.

My first inclination was to turn it down. After all, a Bush interview is the journalistic equivalent of a Bizarro World Superman adventure: you can’t be completely sure of what you’ll get, but you know going in that anything you hear has to be reversed 180 degrees in order to understand the real world veracity. Then I thought maybe I could make it interesting by pulling a Chris(tina) Wallace pussified hatchet job on him. Finally, it was revealed to me exactly why this would be a special interview, and I realized I had no choice but to say yes.

The interview was conducted last week at an unspecified location. There were only three people allow in the room: me, Pres. Bush and some shadowy figure I’ve never seen before. I’m not allowed to even describe him. The following are the highlights from the interview, which actually took almost an hour.

Timothy: Mr. Bush, you have asked for this interview for a special reason. Would you please tell us exactly what that reason is?

Pres. Bush: Well, where I come from - East Texas, or is it West Texas, you know I can never remember East from West…do you have the problem? No. Well, good for you. Back home in Maine we have a saying, if it walks like a duck then it probably tastes like chicken. Well, the situation in Iraq is the duck, and I’m the chicken…you understand what I’m saying?

Timothy: No.