A Look at This Year's Fabulously Awesome Christmas Special

Tune in this week to ABC/Fox/NBC/CNN/The Spice Channel for this week's heartwarmingly traditional, fantastically high-budget, spasmodically orthodox Christmas special!

You'll laugh along with Mutsy and Mootsy, two semi-retarded children whose Christmas is turned upside down by the realization that Santa Claus isn't real or is at least commonly imitated when their local mall's seasonal Santa Claus spontaneously combusts after hearing their holiday wish-lists. Though neither of the young Christmas-delirious children has any arms, legs, or livers, their insides are filled with holiday cheer, and they set off on a ridiculously long-winded quest to find the President to ask him to grant their Christmas dreams before he inadvertently launches a long-range nuclear missile and starts a nuclear Holocaust at the north pole (and throughout the rest of the planet Earth)!

You'll cry as Mutsy realizes that Mootsy is not her biological brother after a comical mixup at the trains station; you'll cheer as Christmas is saved for about the billionth time in a Christmas special!

Not convinced? Here's what you'll be missing!

Our story begins in New Jersey but quickly moves to the consumer-packed New York City, where Mutsy and Mootsy live with their evil, hippie, conglomeration-distrusting parents! Boo, no parents! These evil parental figures actually have the gall to deny their children a high-budget super-expensive Christmas, opting instead for a traditional "Holiday celebration"! Nobody likes these people.

After a necessary few minutes of exposition, we'll break for a short commercial.

Hey, yeah, watch our commercials! You'll listen in excitement at the revelation of the new carefully chosen Holiday-themed Christmas-priced yuletide-enriched joytastic candy-cane-induced new line of Ronson Lighter fluid! Ronson: The lighter fluid that Jesus would have used! Yeah, Jesus! Christmas!